Mature Couture April 26, 2008

Since the Unofficial Guide to Cell Phone Usage was such a big hit, I thought I would put together with your help, The Unofficial Guide to Fashion Over 35. Last night I ran into a friend of mine and she not only prompted the unofficial guide but she inspired rule #1.

Rule 1: Thou shalt not leave the house without a bra. I joked rather cruelly that my friend looked like 2 fried eggs had slid down her chest, but it was true (DH confirmed it). Not that I’m any better, without a bra I look like 2 cats trying to fight their way out of a bag. Strap them down ladies!

Rule 2: Thou shalt not wear sandals that your heels hang off the back of. It just looks uncomfortable and if your heels are cracked and ashy, it looks gross too.

Rule 3: Thou shalt not sport “whale tail”. You know, where the thong creeps above the pants line?

Rule 4: Thou shalt throw away banana clips, scrunchies and chip clips. That is not a hair style!

Rule 5: Thou shalt wear shirts that cover the belly, especially if your muffin top tummy hangs over the waistband of your pants. Yikes!

Rule 6: Thou shalt only wear sweats while working out. I don’t care that you paid $150 to have some ridiculous word stamped across your backside and can wear the hoodie like a top with the zipper down so low that your glossy melon breasts are straining to break free. Sweats are for working out, end of story!

Rule 7: Thou shalt not wear whatever new version of the clothes you wore in high school. It’s great that leggings are back in style but if you try to wear them you’ll only end up looking like you never stopped and next thing you know someone will snap a head band around your head, pull leg warmers up your shins and tease your bangs until they touch the interior roof of your car.

Rule 8: Thou shalt dress your age, the one on your driver’s license not the one you try to imitate with plastic surgery and face peels.

Rule 9: Thou shalt put your lip liner on your actual lips, you ain’t foolin’ nobody sister.

Rule 10: Thou shalt buy shoes that you can actually walk in and not stomp around like some overly coutured Frankenstien.

Meoww! That was fun!